sept 14 2026.

seeing Hayley Williams TWICE THIS MONTH!!! if you can believe it. i’m so excited to be back in new york this week and even more excited to be photographing a festival with a lineup i can’t get enough of. it’s awesome fall where everything is awesome.

sept 11 2026.

yesterday i photographed my very first runway show! it was cool and stressful and GAY!!! i met so many cool, hot, kind, and funny gay people and felt really moved to be part of an event like that. it felt awesome to be like “these people don’t know me so i can be whoever i want.” and then i was confident and outspoken and advocating for things we needed that weren’t being provided by the producers. i know what im doing even when i dont. all in all it was a TWENTY HOUR DAY!!!!! but i really enjoyed myself and got to see Ashley briefly and finally meet Rowen who both very kindly came to support.

tonight i go to my sister’s house to play Resident Evil and i plan on getting stoned beyond belief. next week im dying my hair black. im sick of being a redhead. fall is here.

sept 9 2026.

when people treat me with any modicum of kindness i think to myself, "wow. this is the nicest person on planet earth." perhaps my standards need to be raised. been talking to friends who tell me that i deserve better than what i've been perceiving as the best. and in fact my understanding of the best has actually maybe been pretty bad. i'm starting to believe they are right. when your stomach is in constant knots and you're losing weight, maybe you need to listen to your body when it says, "this situation is not good."

in other news i might be seeing ashley tomorrow when i go do a new york job. excited creatively and socially. it'll be a long day but i'm glad i said yes to doing something cool.

sept 6 2026.

i think ultimately what i am is disappointed. i thought at this point in my life things would be much different. even a few months ago i had a totally different picture of september. i honest to god thought id be partnered with someone i really deeply care about and am still sort of reckoning with people’s ability to hurt me and what it means for how i want to live my life going forward. i guess time alone will be good for me, or at least that’s what im hoping.

i think what im realizing is how much energy and effort and Being There i put towards people who dont really show me that same kindness. and i need to be refocusing on myself and my friends and my family.

i saw the ocean today and i was reminded how big everything is. there’s so much more out there than what’s been upsetting me and i will go find it. i was vulnerable and that itself is a win.

sept 5 2026,

hello from work bathroom where i am pooping on the company dime. i’m wearing my cute shirt with the ties in the back and feeling pretty cool, so hopefully my mood will be good all day and i won’t get reprimanded for my attitude (again). i think i need 1-2 people to tell me i look beautiful and ill consider this day a win. today and tomorrow ill be at the beach for my friend Jon’s birthday so hopefully ill be stoned and playing mario party in about 12 hours.

sept 2 2026.

my days are numbered..... cyst in my boob. well. i think i have cyst in my boob. i have "dense breasts" per my doctor and now there is a small mass near my n*pple that i can feel under my skin and roll around between my fingers like a marble. its probably no big deal but i am definitely sending pictures of my boob to my three friends and only one of them is a doctor. her verdict? can't tell anything from a picture. so when she's back from vacation i'll be needing my friends to feel my boobs. my mom also has this problem but she's had a lot of reproductive health issues so i'm a bit like ok this is the beginning of the end for me. where's the next one gonna be??? never kill yourself guys you might have to send boob pics to your friends.

sept 1 2026.

just finished Adults szn 2....... um. WOW!!!! i love this show. i miss kissing. when will i be kissed again i wonder. went to pick up my groceries today and the lady looked at me and said "Darnella?" when both my names clearly have no R. made me laugh.

aug 31 2026.

wow! last day of august. this month has been such a blur of tears and misery and some laughter and lots of psychic damage. yesterday i went tubing in new jersey for my best friend's birthday. we ate yummy k-pot after and i was happy to be there even if a little tired and overwhelmed. i'm worried i'm not being a good friend because i'm so lost in my own depression but i need to remind myself that friendships are give and take and right now i need a lot. which is ok. i know i haven't always been like this and i'm hopeful i won't always be. when the time comes to reciprocate, i will be there. i am a cool and interesting person even though all i can think about is how sad i am. reminder that no one can read my thoughts.

aug 29 2026.

i can't help this feeling like something bad is coming. something worse than how i've been feeling, somehow. i feel like every worst case scenario i've ever concocted is about to present itself to me. regardless, i can't sit and wait for it to happen and i can't search for it, either. which is hard to stop myself from doing. something i'm working on is living my life despite this sort of miserable funk i feel doused with. i can be devastated and still find it in me to do the things i need to do and show up for the people i love. i need to try. i am trying.

today is my friend sarah's birthday and tomorrow we're celebrating and i will have fun because i love her.

aug 27 2026.

my therapist tells me i need to just let myself feel sad so that’s what im doing. today i am very sad and not very hopeful. maybe i will put on a movie while i work.

aug 25 2026.

crying and pooping at the same time … a number three if you will.

aug 24 2026.

had kind of an epic weekend with my friends tara and allie who kindly took me to THE HAMPTONS for their friend's Hunger Games themed party. scary to be around 12 strangers but ultimately a lot of fun! i did something so stupid which was buy 1mg edibles thinking they were 10. took a whole one and was like wow my tolerance has gone way up... i need to chill out. turns out it was 10mg CBD and 1mg THC. egg on my face. yesterday i ate three like candy.

we stopped on the way home to see my friend ashley which was so epic. every time i see ashley i expect to be like omg its been so long...... but then im like it feels like i saw you yesterday. sometimes there are friends who you can feel the passage of time when you see them next, but not ashley. i do talk to her every day but i think thats the beauty of deep friendship. feels like no time has passed.

i'm also pondering what constitutes artistry. if i'm making a crochet piece from someone else's pattern, am i making art? or am i painting by numbers? let me know your thoughts.

aug 21 2026.

left that work meeting feeling humiliated and mortified. won’t be getting into it. the plus side is i am going away for the weekend with some friends and hopefully turning my brain off and turning the fun on.

aug 20 2026.

i’m worried im actually quite pathetic. i feel like i am yearning in a way that is so palpable to everyone around me. i’m crying in front of customers and getting lost in memory. i’m finding different ways to hurt my own feelings every morning. want to go home but i have a meeting after work with my bosses who want to “course correct some things.” at my coffee shop job. right. feeling dejected and rejected in many many many ways.

aug 17 2026.

i think i need to realize that being missed means missing. i don’t really know how to sit with the feelings of missing someone so deeply and strongly and viscerally that it feels like im wearing it on my skin. am i someone people Want to talk to? i find myself wondering if i make myself an obligation. struggling a lot with the inability to just sort of feel my feelings and do nothing about it. maybe im just struggling a lot in general. i am definitely struggling a lot in general.

aug 10 2026.

i'm sort of worried something is wrong with me! just generally. i'm realizing i don't really see a point in doing anything. cleaning, cooking, crafting, making, reading. nothing feels fulfilling and nothing brings me joy. i get joy out of making other people happy. i get joy out of feeling useful and helpful. i get joy out of curating a nice evening for people i love. but i'm wondering why i can't get joy if there's no one else there to witness it. much to think about but for now i really want to watch my stories and knit.